I knew you when...

A Lesson Learned: by Robin Thomas

Sometimes it is really hard to hold it together.

I love my children and I would not want to do anything else, but it is hard to model my Christian values and get a reluctant child out of bed. It is hard to look at the dishes in the sink and say with a happy heart, this is my job, therefore I will do it willingly and with joy, particularly when you just cleaned the whole kitchen hours before. It is hard to face the absolutely endless loads of laundry and think, “Can no one else in the house do this?” It is hard to watch your children get older and gain their independence when your whole life has revolved around them.

I have desired to serve the Lord with all my heart since I learned the books of the Bible when I was 5 years old. I have been to church by myself since I was 13 years old. I got a degree in Religious Studies and then a Masters in Theology and my heart yearns to do His will, but I am bound by my human self, the one that complains and loses her temper when the dirty dishes only make it to the sink and not the dishwasher.

My mouth longs to only sing praises to the Lord, but a bad word escapes when I have to slam on the brakes driving carpool in the morning. And then to top it off your child tells you that he learned his “foul mouthed words” from you.

And why is it so hard to talk to your own family about Jesus? Like Jesus’ brother James, who grew up with him, only believed he was the Messiah after the resurrection. It is far easier to tell complete strangers about what Jesus has done in your life than it is to tell your unbelieving family members. They knew you when, they know you day to day and watch you with a microscope to see if you live up to what you profess. They are unforgiving and remember wrongs. Maybe that is why Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household." (Mark 6:4)

I have felt the presence of the Lord so many times as He took the wheel when I could no longer drive. But this broken sense of self is not what you lead with when you get together with your friends for coffee. A friend of mine once said when I asked her how she was, “I am “expletive” fantastic.” That stopped me in my tracks and made me think, “Wow, that is so cool. I want to be able say that.” In fact, most of the time I am fantastic, but it is so easy to dwell on the one thing that is not going right and de-emphasize the ten things that are. And when you are speaking to friends, are you in the “I’m going to tell you how it really is” mode or are you on the default, “ I will tell you I’m ‘fine’ because that is all you were really looking for in polite conversation, mode”?

Brennan Manning, in his book THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL talks about God’s access to Christians who are beaten down and bedraggled. “To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace. Honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the truth that we are saved sinners. There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.” (pg86)

I experience times when it is really hard to keep it all together, and sometimes I don’t. But I take comfort in the fact that HE has already won, and as I lose control HE takes over. And as HE takes over and I put it back together, I understand a little more what GRACE feel like.